1 00:00:01,000 --> 00:00:04,039 (CLUB MUSIC) 2 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.BZ 3 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.BZ 4 00:00:10,600 --> 00:00:16,200 Ladies, welcome to the stage, the Chatty Man himself. It's Alan Carr! 5 00:00:16,240 --> 00:00:18,600 (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) 6 00:00:21,240 --> 00:00:24,960 Oh, wow! Ha ha ha! 7 00:00:25,840 --> 00:00:27,920 Oh! 8 00:00:27,960 --> 00:00:30,840 Hackney, Hackney! 9 00:00:30,880 --> 00:00:34,520 (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Oh, thank you so much for coming! 10 00:00:36,880 --> 00:00:39,200 Listen, listen, we're gonna have so much fun tonight. 11 00:00:39,240 --> 00:00:42,720 (CHEERING) Lovely. Now, listen, 12 00:00:42,760 --> 00:00:45,600 I've flown all the way from Italy to be here tonight. 13 00:00:45,640 --> 00:00:50,600 Yes. Do you watch that show with me and Amanda Holden? Yes! 14 00:00:50,640 --> 00:00:52,360 (CHEERING) Yes. 15 00:00:52,400 --> 00:00:55,360 People always say to me, "Are you really friends with Amanda Holden?" 16 00:00:55,400 --> 00:00:56,960 And I am. 17 00:00:57,000 --> 00:01:01,000 We met on that show, DNA Journeys. Did you see it?(WEAKLY): Yes! 18 00:01:01,040 --> 00:01:04,400 Well, that'll explain the ratings. Thanks, guys. 19 00:01:04,440 --> 00:01:06,000 (LAUGHTER) 20 00:01:06,039 --> 00:01:09,480 So, I didn't know whether I wanted to do this DNA Journey. 21 00:01:09,520 --> 00:01:11,160 And I said to my mum, "Shall I do it?" 22 00:01:11,200 --> 00:01:13,680 She went, "Do it, we might be related to royalty." 23 00:01:15,080 --> 00:01:17,320 Knowing my luck, it'll be Prince Andrew. 24 00:01:17,360 --> 00:01:19,360 (LAUGHTER) 25 00:01:25,560 --> 00:01:28,280 So, I sent my DNA off. I spat in the tube. 26 00:01:28,320 --> 00:01:31,720 Two days later I got a very excited phone call from ITV. 27 00:01:31,759 --> 00:01:34,600 "Alan, Alan, you've got an identical twin." 28 00:01:34,640 --> 00:01:37,800 (LAUGHTER) "You've got an identical twin." 29 00:01:37,840 --> 00:01:41,479 That's gold, innit? Prime time, ITV, part four, that door opens, 30 00:01:41,520 --> 00:01:43,920 "Hello, Alan, how you doing?" 31 00:01:43,960 --> 00:01:45,960 (LAUGHTER) 32 00:01:50,160 --> 00:01:52,920 "Come and give your brother a hug, come on!" 33 00:01:52,960 --> 00:01:54,960 (LAUGHTER) 34 00:01:58,040 --> 00:02:01,400 I said, "I don't think I've got a twin. 35 00:02:01,440 --> 00:02:03,480 "I don't feel like I've got a twin." 36 00:02:03,520 --> 00:02:05,160 Classic TV person. 37 00:02:05,199 --> 00:02:09,680 She said, "Alan, is there a chance maybe your mum gave the twin away 38 00:02:09,720 --> 00:02:11,760 "at birth and never told you?" 39 00:02:11,800 --> 00:02:13,240 (LAUGHTER) 40 00:02:13,280 --> 00:02:15,560 What did the other one look like? I'm not being funny. 41 00:02:15,600 --> 00:02:17,600 (LAUGHTER) 42 00:02:19,079 --> 00:02:21,280 What the hell did that one look like? 43 00:02:21,320 --> 00:02:24,560 Can you imagine that? ITV, part four, "Hello, Alan!" 44 00:02:24,600 --> 00:02:26,600 (LAUGHTER) 45 00:02:29,040 --> 00:02:32,079 "Come and give your brother a hug!" 46 00:02:32,120 --> 00:02:34,560 (LAUGHTER) I can't see it. 47 00:02:34,600 --> 00:02:38,520 Can you see my mum giving a twin away at birth? Can you see that? 48 00:02:38,560 --> 00:02:42,280 AUDIENCE: No. 1976 in that maternity ward. 49 00:02:42,320 --> 00:02:44,800 "It's alright, I'll keep the gay one with the teeth." 50 00:02:44,840 --> 00:02:46,840 (LAUGHTER) 51 00:02:54,760 --> 00:02:57,600 Thank you so much for coming tonight to Regional Trinket 52 00:02:57,640 --> 00:03:02,720 because, can I be honest with you, this show is cursed? No, it's cursed. 53 00:03:02,760 --> 00:03:05,000 Since I did this show, 54 00:03:05,040 --> 00:03:08,920 it's been cancelled, it's be postponed, my dog died, 55 00:03:08,960 --> 00:03:11,640 my marriage collapsed. I've gone through a divorce. 56 00:03:11,680 --> 00:03:13,840 This show is cursed. 57 00:03:13,880 --> 00:03:16,160 Even before I wrote the show, it was cursed. 58 00:03:16,200 --> 00:03:19,120 I'm on the train with my laptop, writing the jokes for this show. 59 00:03:19,160 --> 00:03:22,720 On the laptop, like this. Typing away on the train, like this. Typing away. 60 00:03:22,760 --> 00:03:25,160 The man next to me says, "Can I use the toilet?" 61 00:03:25,200 --> 00:03:26,920 And I did that lazy thing. 62 00:03:26,960 --> 00:03:29,400 I didn't get up out of my seat. You know, sometimes you don't. 63 00:03:29,440 --> 00:03:32,640 I just curled into a ball like that. (LAUGHTER) 64 00:03:32,680 --> 00:03:35,800 And as he walked past, his ball bag fell on the keyboard. 65 00:03:35,840 --> 00:03:37,560 Bang. (LAUGHTER) 66 00:03:42,640 --> 00:03:44,800 Deleted seven pages of jokes. 67 00:03:44,840 --> 00:03:46,840 (LAUGHTER) 68 00:03:50,960 --> 00:03:52,880 What's the chances of two testicles 69 00:03:52,920 --> 00:03:55,000 pressing Control/Alt/Del at the same time? 70 00:03:55,040 --> 00:03:57,600 (LAUGHTER) It's cursed! 71 00:03:57,640 --> 00:03:59,040 Cursed. 72 00:04:02,000 --> 00:04:04,960 No, I've had a couple of years, Hackney, I have. 73 00:04:05,000 --> 00:04:08,640 Yeah. My dog died. Bev, my beloved Irish setter, Bev, died. 74 00:04:08,680 --> 00:04:10,320 AUDIENCE: Aw! 75 00:04:10,360 --> 00:04:13,240 I'll never forget it, May the 8th, I'll never forget it. 76 00:04:13,279 --> 00:04:17,279 There's some Londoners here. Any Londoners in?AUDIENCE: Yes! 77 00:04:18,240 --> 00:04:20,840 Do you remember it was May last year 78 00:04:20,880 --> 00:04:22,680 when that salmonella attack happened? 79 00:04:22,720 --> 00:04:25,720 I got salmonella the same day as my dog died. 80 00:04:25,760 --> 00:04:29,200 Worst day of my life. Salmonella and had to put Bev down. 81 00:04:29,240 --> 00:04:31,120 Honestly, it was awful. 82 00:04:31,159 --> 00:04:33,240 I rang up my mum, I said, "Bev's gone." 83 00:04:33,280 --> 00:04:35,280 I said, "I just don't feel good." 84 00:04:35,320 --> 00:04:38,440 She said, "You're grieving. People grieve in different ways." 85 00:04:38,480 --> 00:04:40,520 I said, "What? By shitting yourself?" 86 00:04:40,560 --> 00:04:42,440 (LAUGHTER) 87 00:04:45,200 --> 00:04:47,080 (MIMICS FARTING) 88 00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:49,520 I remember when the Queen died, I had to wear a nappy. 89 00:04:49,560 --> 00:04:51,560 (LAUGHTER) 90 00:04:56,120 --> 00:04:57,920 Do we have any Germans in? 91 00:04:57,960 --> 00:05:00,600 Good. Listen, no. No! (LAUGHTER) 92 00:05:00,640 --> 00:05:02,960 Hear me out. Hear me out. 93 00:05:03,000 --> 00:05:04,640 (LAUGHTER) 94 00:05:04,680 --> 00:05:06,800 No. I've got a German friend 95 00:05:06,840 --> 00:05:08,720 who I love very dearly, 96 00:05:08,760 --> 00:05:10,640 but they're too blunt. Aren't they blunt?Yes! 97 00:05:10,680 --> 00:05:12,440 They are blunt, ain't they? 98 00:05:12,480 --> 00:05:14,920 Bev died, and you know I've got two Irish setters? 99 00:05:14,960 --> 00:05:17,960 The first one died, and he said to me, no lie, 100 00:05:18,000 --> 00:05:21,680 "Vy don't you put ze other one down as well?" 101 00:05:21,720 --> 00:05:23,240 (LAUGHTER) 102 00:05:28,480 --> 00:05:30,680 "So she von't be sad." 103 00:05:30,720 --> 00:05:32,480 (LAUGHTER) 104 00:05:32,520 --> 00:05:35,040 The dog in the box went, "What the fuck?" Honestly. 105 00:05:38,600 --> 00:05:41,280 Why don't we just have one big suicide pact and get it all over? 106 00:05:41,320 --> 00:05:43,320 Come on! Let's all kill ourselves. 107 00:05:43,360 --> 00:05:45,720 Come on, dogs, we're off to Dignitas. Walkies! 108 00:05:45,760 --> 00:05:47,520 Come on. 109 00:05:53,240 --> 00:05:55,080 Yeah, my marriage collapsed. 110 00:05:55,120 --> 00:05:57,200 He was an alcoholic, drunk drove. 111 00:05:58,200 --> 00:06:01,360 Ended up in prison. Did you know that? 112 00:06:01,400 --> 00:06:03,200 I had a prison husband. 113 00:06:03,240 --> 00:06:04,760 (LAUGHTER) 114 00:06:04,800 --> 00:06:06,920 Prison husband. Loved it. Fucking loved it. 115 00:06:06,960 --> 00:06:08,320 (LAUGHTER) 116 00:06:08,360 --> 00:06:11,240 For the first time in my life I had street cred, I had an edge. 117 00:06:11,280 --> 00:06:13,560 (LAUGHTER) 118 00:06:13,600 --> 00:06:15,680 The kids in the street were, like, "Oi, bender!" 119 00:06:15,720 --> 00:06:18,960 I'm like, "Zip it, my husband's inside. I'll cut you." 120 00:06:19,000 --> 00:06:21,480 (LAUGHTER) 121 00:06:31,960 --> 00:06:36,560 He wanted me to visit him in prison. No way. Visit him in prison? No. 122 00:06:36,600 --> 00:06:38,320 I've seen those prison movies. 123 00:06:38,360 --> 00:06:41,360 I was watching Silence Of The Lambs the other night. 124 00:06:41,400 --> 00:06:44,840 Say I walk down that corridor and someone throws jizz in my hair. 125 00:06:44,880 --> 00:06:46,880 (LAUGHTER) 126 00:06:52,560 --> 00:06:55,720 The thing is, I don't normally talk about my relationship 127 00:06:55,760 --> 00:06:59,240 cos when me and Paul got married, we got stitched up by a journalist. 128 00:06:59,280 --> 00:07:01,160 They said to me, "Why did you get married?" 129 00:07:01,200 --> 00:07:05,560 And it's my own fault, Hackney, I tried to be woke. I tried to be woke. 130 00:07:05,600 --> 00:07:09,280 I said, "Listen, you've got anti-LGBT propaganda in Russia, 131 00:07:09,320 --> 00:07:12,480 "you've got Chechnya putting gays in concentration camps, 132 00:07:12,520 --> 00:07:15,000 "you've got Islamic State throwing gays off buildings." 133 00:07:15,040 --> 00:07:18,480 "Today, I'm choosing love over hate." 134 00:07:18,520 --> 00:07:20,520 (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) 135 00:07:25,680 --> 00:07:27,600 Did you see the headline in the paper? 136 00:07:27,640 --> 00:07:30,400 "Alan Carr - ISIS got me down the aisle." 137 00:07:30,440 --> 00:07:32,440 (LAUGHTER) 138 00:07:34,960 --> 00:07:37,000 That's not what I said. I didn't say it. 139 00:07:37,040 --> 00:07:38,760 They twisted it. 140 00:07:38,800 --> 00:07:40,720 They twisted it. 141 00:07:40,760 --> 00:07:44,200 But don't you think the world's getting a little bit nastier? 142 00:07:44,240 --> 00:07:47,800 Look at those people campaigning outside those schools in London 143 00:07:47,840 --> 00:07:50,880 and Birmingham cos teaching LGBT issues is going on. 144 00:07:50,920 --> 00:07:53,560 There's nothing sordid or sinister going on, is there? 145 00:07:53,600 --> 00:07:56,120 It's about love and tolerance. 146 00:07:57,280 --> 00:07:59,280 They're making out all dirty stuff's going on. 147 00:07:59,320 --> 00:08:00,960 Like, the kids come home from school: 148 00:08:01,000 --> 00:08:03,520 "What have you got tomorrow, Jimmy?" "Double bumming." 149 00:08:03,560 --> 00:08:05,560 (LAUGHTER) 150 00:08:12,360 --> 00:08:14,480 Being gay isn't catching, is it? 151 00:08:14,520 --> 00:08:17,160 If you became who you hung around with at school, 152 00:08:17,200 --> 00:08:19,200 I'd be a fucking dinner lady! 153 00:08:19,240 --> 00:08:21,240 (LAUGHTER) 154 00:08:21,280 --> 00:08:23,280 (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) 155 00:08:27,680 --> 00:08:31,520 I can't stand people getting bullied, cos I was bullied at school. 156 00:08:31,559 --> 00:08:33,520 I won't stand for it. I won't, Hackney. 157 00:08:33,559 --> 00:08:35,679 And I got bullied when I got my first job. 158 00:08:35,720 --> 00:08:40,039 I got bullied then. Every day for two months I got homophobic abuse 159 00:08:40,080 --> 00:08:43,200 simply for the fact I was annoying and quite predatory. 160 00:08:43,240 --> 00:08:45,240 (LAUGHTER) 161 00:08:56,160 --> 00:08:57,920 But, listen, you know, listen, 162 00:08:57,960 --> 00:09:00,280 I know we can moan about the divorce and everything. 163 00:09:00,320 --> 00:09:03,040 But we were happy in the early days. We were in love. 164 00:09:03,080 --> 00:09:05,520 You know when you're young and in love, it happens, don't it? 165 00:09:05,560 --> 00:09:08,400 You know, and I sometimes think back to the gold old days, 166 00:09:08,440 --> 00:09:10,280 you know, he asked me to marry him 167 00:09:10,320 --> 00:09:14,040 on the beautiful island of Lombok in Indonesia. 168 00:09:14,080 --> 00:09:16,240 Where homosexuality's illegal, 169 00:09:16,280 --> 00:09:18,480 and you get the death penalty, the fucking idiot. 170 00:09:18,520 --> 00:09:20,520 (LAUGHTER) 171 00:09:21,960 --> 00:09:25,880 I could have killed him. He got on one knee in this crowded market. 172 00:09:25,920 --> 00:09:28,360 "Will you marry me?" "Shut the fuck up or we're gonna die." 173 00:09:28,400 --> 00:09:30,400 (LAUGHTER) 174 00:09:34,160 --> 00:09:35,960 You have a gay wedding over there, 175 00:09:36,000 --> 00:09:38,280 the confetti's rocks. You know what I mean? 176 00:09:38,320 --> 00:09:41,120 (LAUGHTER) 177 00:09:41,160 --> 00:09:44,760 They only gave us a double room cos they thought he was my carer. 178 00:09:44,800 --> 00:09:46,800 (LAUGHTER) 179 00:09:50,880 --> 00:09:54,400 He said, "I don't like a drama on holiday. I don't like a drama." 180 00:09:54,440 --> 00:09:56,480 Paul liked a drama, I didn't. 181 00:09:56,520 --> 00:09:58,360 We left Jakarta Airport. 182 00:09:58,400 --> 00:10:01,280 I don't know if you've been there, but it's one of those scary airports. 183 00:10:01,320 --> 00:10:05,480 People walking round with machine guns and sticks, and all like that. 184 00:10:05,520 --> 00:10:08,560 And everyone stands there scowling at you. 185 00:10:08,600 --> 00:10:11,080 The only way I can describe how they stare at you is, 186 00:10:11,120 --> 00:10:13,360 you know those pensioners who stand behind Fiona Bruce 187 00:10:13,400 --> 00:10:15,040 on Antiques Roadshow? 188 00:10:15,080 --> 00:10:17,240 (LAUGHTER) 189 00:10:26,480 --> 00:10:28,480 (MOUTHS) 190 00:10:34,080 --> 00:10:37,080 I went through Passport Control. He said, "What's your name?" 191 00:10:37,120 --> 00:10:39,240 I said, "Alan Carr." 192 00:10:39,280 --> 00:10:40,920 He said, "What do you do in England?" 193 00:10:40,960 --> 00:10:43,840 I thought, "What's Indonesian for National Treasure?" 194 00:10:43,880 --> 00:10:45,400 (LAUGHTER) 195 00:10:45,440 --> 00:10:47,440 (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) 196 00:10:52,920 --> 00:10:56,120 Is it a joke or is it the truth? I don't know. 197 00:10:56,160 --> 00:10:58,240 I don't know anymore. 198 00:10:58,280 --> 00:11:01,000 I don't know anymore. (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) 199 00:11:02,560 --> 00:11:04,280 I suppose I am. 200 00:11:04,320 --> 00:11:08,320 Now you're taking the piss. Listen, listen! 201 00:11:08,360 --> 00:11:10,400 Fuck! Shut up! 202 00:11:10,440 --> 00:11:12,360 (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) 203 00:11:14,640 --> 00:11:17,680 You're only doing it cos we're filming. 204 00:11:17,720 --> 00:11:20,480 (LAUGHTER) 205 00:11:21,440 --> 00:11:23,520 You see, we were very similar but very different. 206 00:11:23,560 --> 00:11:26,080 I would have a mooch round a museum and a gallery. 207 00:11:26,120 --> 00:11:29,360 He didn't like any of that. I tried to get him involved in things. 208 00:11:29,400 --> 00:11:32,680 Where we lived in London, when we lived together, it was near the Crossrail. 209 00:11:32,720 --> 00:11:36,000 I don't know if you know, but they dug up that Roman graveyard. 210 00:11:36,040 --> 00:11:38,400 And I tried to get, like, Paul interested in it. 211 00:11:38,440 --> 00:11:40,600 I said, "Oh, Paul. You know, near the Crossrail, 212 00:11:40,640 --> 00:11:43,400 "they found the body of a female gladiator." 213 00:11:43,440 --> 00:11:45,200 He said, "Who? Jet?" 214 00:11:45,240 --> 00:11:47,120 Jet. (LAUGHTER) 215 00:11:51,000 --> 00:11:53,560 Yeah, Wolf dug her up. What the...? 216 00:11:53,600 --> 00:11:55,600 (LAUGHTER) 217 00:11:57,280 --> 00:12:00,280 He only had one love and that was Whitney Houston. 218 00:12:00,320 --> 00:12:03,600 Now, Whitney Houston, one of the best singers in the world. 219 00:12:04,880 --> 00:12:06,720 But I would lie to him. I would tell him 220 00:12:06,760 --> 00:12:09,240 that Whitney Houston had been to certain cultural places, 221 00:12:09,280 --> 00:12:11,160 just to get him to go. 222 00:12:11,200 --> 00:12:13,400 I'm not proud of it. I'm not proud of it. 223 00:12:14,440 --> 00:12:16,600 The only reason I got him into Anne Frank's house was, 224 00:12:16,640 --> 00:12:19,320 I told they filmed a bit of The Bodyguard there. 225 00:12:19,360 --> 00:12:22,280 (LAUGHTER) 226 00:12:22,320 --> 00:12:24,600 And this is how much I was in love. 227 00:12:24,640 --> 00:12:28,400 We went to the Whitney Houston Hologram Tour. 228 00:12:28,440 --> 00:12:32,600 Now, did you see the reviews of the Whitney Houston Hologram Tour? 229 00:12:32,640 --> 00:12:37,160 Now, I love you so much, you have supported me through the years, 230 00:12:37,200 --> 00:12:40,120 but some of you do not know what a hologram is. 231 00:12:40,160 --> 00:12:42,840 You really don't. Did you see the reviews? 232 00:12:42,880 --> 00:12:47,120 One woman said, "Whitney didn't have much banter." 233 00:12:47,160 --> 00:12:49,960 (LAUGHTER) 234 00:12:50,000 --> 00:12:52,520 That is one of the side effects of death. 235 00:12:52,560 --> 00:12:54,760 You don't really have much to say. 236 00:12:54,800 --> 00:12:57,600 (LAUGHTER) 237 00:12:57,640 --> 00:13:00,800 One woman complained that Whitney never waved back at her. 238 00:13:00,840 --> 00:13:03,000 Fucking hell. 239 00:13:03,040 --> 00:13:05,360 That's not waving, that's the buffering, madam. 240 00:13:12,280 --> 00:13:15,560 So, Paul asked me to marry him. I said yes. 241 00:13:15,600 --> 00:13:17,400 AUDIENCE: Whoo! 242 00:13:17,440 --> 00:13:20,560 But all my insecurities came out. Why does he fancy me? 243 00:13:20,600 --> 00:13:24,280 No-one fancies camp people, do they? No-one. 244 00:13:24,320 --> 00:13:26,240 No. No, you're right. 245 00:13:26,280 --> 00:13:28,120 Not even a sympathetic no. 246 00:13:29,680 --> 00:13:32,080 When I came out of there, not one of you were thinking, 247 00:13:32,120 --> 00:13:34,920 "Phwoar, wouldn't mind hanging out the back of that." 248 00:13:34,960 --> 00:13:37,080 (LAUGHTER) 249 00:13:37,120 --> 00:13:39,160 Not even you and you look desperate. 250 00:13:39,200 --> 00:13:41,560 (LAUGHTER) 251 00:13:47,320 --> 00:13:50,080 I hate being camp. It's crap being camp. 252 00:13:50,120 --> 00:13:52,160 Do you know what it's like to walk down the street, 253 00:13:52,200 --> 00:13:54,480 and every time you turn round your shadow's a teapot? 254 00:13:54,520 --> 00:13:56,520 (LAUGHTER) 255 00:14:03,320 --> 00:14:06,200 I started organising the wedding. I said no to a wedding list. 256 00:14:06,240 --> 00:14:09,000 People get greedy with a wedding list, don't they, Hackney? 257 00:14:09,040 --> 00:14:12,560 They want the Earth, don't they? Fiona and Roy want a grand piano. 258 00:14:13,720 --> 00:14:16,240 Fiona and Roy live in a caravan and need to prioritise. 259 00:14:16,280 --> 00:14:18,400 (LAUGHTER) 260 00:14:18,440 --> 00:14:20,600 Some of the shit you get sent when you're getting married. 261 00:14:20,640 --> 00:14:23,440 What arsehole sends glitter in cards? 262 00:14:23,480 --> 00:14:26,400 Why would you send a card filled with glitter? Why would you do that? 263 00:14:27,480 --> 00:14:29,800 Fiona and Roy sent you a card. Pfft! 264 00:14:30,720 --> 00:14:32,760 Glitter, everywhere. 265 00:14:32,800 --> 00:14:35,120 What will you be doing on your big day? 266 00:14:35,160 --> 00:14:36,640 Hoovering! 267 00:14:37,680 --> 00:14:40,120 Hoovering up this gay asbestos. 268 00:14:40,160 --> 00:14:42,160 (LAUGHTER) 269 00:14:44,840 --> 00:14:47,320 It's all over my fucking house. 270 00:14:47,360 --> 00:14:51,280 It's on the ceiling, it's behind my contact lens. 271 00:14:51,320 --> 00:14:53,120 The dogs are licking it up. 272 00:14:53,160 --> 00:14:55,640 I'm walking round the park, they're shitting out disco balls. 273 00:14:55,680 --> 00:14:57,680 (LAUGHTER) 274 00:15:00,280 --> 00:15:02,640 Do you wanna know the worst wedding gift I got? 275 00:15:02,680 --> 00:15:04,520 Do you wanna know the worst one? Yes! 276 00:15:04,560 --> 00:15:07,320 Money-off voucher for a hair transplant. 277 00:15:07,360 --> 00:15:09,360 (LAUGHTER) 278 00:15:09,400 --> 00:15:12,320 Money off. Not even the full wig. Money off. 279 00:15:12,360 --> 00:15:14,160 (LAUGHTER) 280 00:15:14,200 --> 00:15:17,600 My friend said to me, "You get some great hair transplants these days." 281 00:15:17,640 --> 00:15:20,080 You get some shocking ones as well, don't you? 282 00:15:20,120 --> 00:15:22,920 I was in Turkey. This man's hair transplant, 283 00:15:22,960 --> 00:15:24,960 it looked like he'd put Pritt Stick on his head 284 00:15:25,000 --> 00:15:27,560 and did a forward roll through a cattery. 285 00:15:27,600 --> 00:15:29,600 (LAUGHTER) 286 00:15:35,040 --> 00:15:38,880 Just give me flowers, chocolates. Someone got me an orchid. 287 00:15:38,920 --> 00:15:43,040 I'm very busy, I don't have time. Do you have time for an orchid? 288 00:15:43,080 --> 00:15:46,360 I don't want an orchid in the house judging all my other plants. 289 00:15:46,400 --> 00:15:48,400 (LAUGHTER) 290 00:15:52,520 --> 00:15:54,720 They're so flaky as well, ain't they? 291 00:15:54,760 --> 00:15:57,680 The orchid turned up. Ding dong. I was, like, "Ooh." 292 00:15:59,120 --> 00:16:00,800 Got the orchid. 293 00:16:00,840 --> 00:16:03,640 Put the orchid on the shelf, stepped away from the orchid. 294 00:16:03,680 --> 00:16:05,840 The orchid fell off. 295 00:16:05,880 --> 00:16:09,520 I've now got a pot in my window with two sticks, going like that. 296 00:16:09,560 --> 00:16:12,240 (LAUGHTER) 297 00:16:12,280 --> 00:16:14,560 But can I be honest with you, Hackney? 298 00:16:14,600 --> 00:16:18,280 I don't think people really cared about my wedding. I don't. 299 00:16:18,320 --> 00:16:20,240 That's I how feel. That's I how feel. 300 00:16:20,280 --> 00:16:24,000 I've come to the conclusion no-one gives a shit about us gays no more. 301 00:16:24,040 --> 00:16:26,800 AUDIENCE: Aw! Nah! No! 302 00:16:26,840 --> 00:16:29,000 We're bottom of the fucking pile now. 303 00:16:30,040 --> 00:16:33,240 Pansexual, asexual, we're at the fucking bottom. 304 00:16:33,280 --> 00:16:35,040 (CHEERING) 305 00:16:35,080 --> 00:16:37,080 We used to be like exotic birds. 306 00:16:37,120 --> 00:16:39,000 (LAUGHTER) 307 00:16:39,040 --> 00:16:42,240 People used to bring us out at parties like Ferrero Rocher. 308 00:16:42,280 --> 00:16:44,280 (LAUGHTER) 309 00:16:45,480 --> 00:16:48,440 (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) 310 00:16:51,040 --> 00:16:53,680 You'd turn up at a party, "Release the gay!" 311 00:16:53,720 --> 00:16:55,720 (RAUCOUS LAUGHTER) 312 00:17:03,440 --> 00:17:05,480 Isn't it wonderful, though, 313 00:17:05,520 --> 00:17:07,640 that you can be whoever you wanna be these days? 314 00:17:07,680 --> 00:17:10,800 Ain't it wonderful? (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) 315 00:17:10,839 --> 00:17:13,040 I was non-binary once. I was. 316 00:17:13,079 --> 00:17:15,880 I'll never forget it, it was a Tuesday. 317 00:17:15,920 --> 00:17:18,319 (LAUGHTER) 318 00:17:18,359 --> 00:17:21,119 I used to love motorboating. Do you remember motorboating? 319 00:17:21,160 --> 00:17:23,960 Yay, lads, do you remember that? 320 00:17:24,000 --> 00:17:27,080 Motorboating, yeah! 321 00:17:27,120 --> 00:17:29,880 You stick your head in the breasts and go brrr! Do you remember that? 322 00:17:29,920 --> 00:17:31,920 Brrr! 323 00:17:31,960 --> 00:17:34,080 Motorboating. Yeah. 324 00:17:34,120 --> 00:17:36,240 And I used to do it in the '90s when it was dangerous, 325 00:17:36,280 --> 00:17:37,800 cos people had piercings. 326 00:17:37,840 --> 00:17:39,960 Yeah. Dangerous. Brrr. 327 00:17:40,000 --> 00:17:41,720 Yeah. Dangerous. 328 00:17:41,760 --> 00:17:43,720 That's how Gabriel lost her eye. 329 00:17:43,760 --> 00:17:45,680 (LAUGHTER) 330 00:17:45,720 --> 00:17:48,960 True story. True story. (LAUGHTER) 331 00:17:49,000 --> 00:17:51,200 Well, we got married in America. 332 00:17:51,240 --> 00:17:52,960 AUDIENCE: Ooh! 333 00:17:53,000 --> 00:17:55,000 Yeah, when Trump was President. 334 00:17:55,040 --> 00:17:57,080 AUDIENCE: Boo! I know! 335 00:17:57,120 --> 00:17:59,240 I know! People had a go at me. 336 00:17:59,280 --> 00:18:01,800 "I can't believe you're getting married in Trump's America. 337 00:18:01,840 --> 00:18:04,640 "Shame on you." I said, "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa." 338 00:18:04,680 --> 00:18:06,400 I said, "If you didn't go to a country 339 00:18:06,440 --> 00:18:08,160 "cos there was an arsehole as leader, 340 00:18:08,200 --> 00:18:11,520 "you wouldn't leave the house." Am I right? Am I right? 341 00:18:11,560 --> 00:18:14,120 AUDIENCE: Yes! What about that arsehole, Putin? 342 00:18:14,160 --> 00:18:15,560 AUDIENCE: Boo! 343 00:18:15,600 --> 00:18:18,840 What about that one in Korea. What's he called? Kim Dung Un. Him. 344 00:18:18,880 --> 00:18:20,920 What about him? (LAUGHTER) 345 00:18:20,960 --> 00:18:24,160 Who's that one in Syria, looks like Postman Pat? Assad. 346 00:18:24,200 --> 00:18:25,920 Arsehole. 347 00:18:25,960 --> 00:18:27,640 (LAUGHTER) 348 00:18:31,640 --> 00:18:34,120 I love America. I love America! 349 00:18:34,160 --> 00:18:36,080 AUDIENCE: Whoo! I love America. 350 00:18:36,120 --> 00:18:37,920 It's so slimming! 351 00:18:37,960 --> 00:18:39,160 (LAUGHTER) 352 00:18:42,480 --> 00:18:45,520 Especially when you stand next to those fat fuckers. Honestly. 353 00:18:45,560 --> 00:18:47,560 (LAUGHTER) 354 00:18:52,960 --> 00:18:55,400 (AUDIENCE MEMBER WOLF WHISTLES) Thank you. 355 00:18:55,440 --> 00:18:57,840 Travelodge, room 242, bring a friend. 356 00:18:57,880 --> 00:19:00,720 (LAUGHTER) 357 00:19:00,760 --> 00:19:04,520 The customer service is better in America, innit? 358 00:19:04,560 --> 00:19:07,200 It is. Whatever you say, it is better, honestly. 359 00:19:07,240 --> 00:19:09,080 And can I be honest with you? 360 00:19:09,120 --> 00:19:12,400 I had, like, a really bad experience late-night shopping at a Sainsbury's 361 00:19:12,440 --> 00:19:14,280 and I'll tell you about it. 362 00:19:14,320 --> 00:19:16,160 It's my own fault, I went at that weird time, 363 00:19:16,200 --> 00:19:18,560 you know, 9:15, 9:20 at night. 364 00:19:18,600 --> 00:19:21,600 When the normal staff go home, there's a lighting change, 365 00:19:21,640 --> 00:19:23,960 and those people in the tracksuits come out. 366 00:19:24,000 --> 00:19:25,640 Rarrr! 367 00:19:25,680 --> 00:19:27,600 (LAUGHTER) 368 00:19:27,640 --> 00:19:28,960 Rarrr! 369 00:19:31,800 --> 00:19:33,680 Rarrr! 370 00:19:35,000 --> 00:19:38,080 (LAUGHTER) 371 00:19:38,120 --> 00:19:40,800 And they've always got a cage, ain't they? Got a fucking cage. 372 00:19:40,840 --> 00:19:42,640 Rarrr! 373 00:19:42,680 --> 00:19:44,720 (LAUGHTER) 374 00:19:44,760 --> 00:19:46,680 Should you be in that cage? 375 00:19:48,280 --> 00:19:51,120 Have you escaped from the cage? Rarrr! 376 00:19:51,160 --> 00:19:53,160 (LAUGHTER) 377 00:19:57,760 --> 00:20:02,120 And, Hackney, there was one man in there doing my pet hate, honestly. 378 00:20:02,160 --> 00:20:05,440 He had his hands down his tracksuit having a rummage. 379 00:20:05,480 --> 00:20:07,480 (LAUGHTER) 380 00:20:10,800 --> 00:20:12,600 Wearing a hairnet. 381 00:20:12,640 --> 00:20:14,640 (LAUGHTER) 382 00:20:17,680 --> 00:20:20,080 I said, "Love, that cancels out that." 383 00:20:20,120 --> 00:20:21,280 (LAUGHTER) 384 00:20:21,320 --> 00:20:24,800 Heaven forbid, I get a hair in my quiche, but a pube! 385 00:20:24,840 --> 00:20:26,840 (LAUGHTER) 386 00:20:30,920 --> 00:20:33,880 But I know what you're thinking: "Oh, look at Alan on the telly, 387 00:20:33,920 --> 00:20:36,360 "punching down, punching down." 388 00:20:36,400 --> 00:20:39,880 Picking on people who work in supermarkets, but, listen. 389 00:20:39,920 --> 00:20:42,240 What happened there? I was in a trance. 390 00:20:42,280 --> 00:20:45,760 Listen... I've worked in a supermarket. 391 00:20:45,800 --> 00:20:48,640 Hands up if you've worked in a supermarket. 392 00:20:48,680 --> 00:20:51,280 What one did you work at, love? 393 00:20:51,320 --> 00:20:54,600 FEMALE AUDIENCE MEMBER: Waitrose. Waitrose? 394 00:20:54,640 --> 00:20:56,400 AUDIENCE: Ooh! 395 00:20:56,440 --> 00:20:59,080 You surprise me. I was gonna say Londis. 396 00:20:59,120 --> 00:21:02,320 No, I'm not being a bitch. I'm not being a bitch. 397 00:21:02,360 --> 00:21:04,320 Waitrose. 398 00:21:04,360 --> 00:21:07,680 Is that your lady? You've got someone from Waitrose. 399 00:21:07,720 --> 00:21:10,320 I feel like I should courtesy. 400 00:21:10,360 --> 00:21:12,640 (LAUGHTER) 401 00:21:12,680 --> 00:21:14,440 Thank you. 402 00:21:15,560 --> 00:21:18,240 I feel your pain, people who work in a supermarket. 403 00:21:18,280 --> 00:21:20,440 I've been there, I've had the crappy customers. 404 00:21:20,480 --> 00:21:24,080 I've been talked to like rubbish. I worked at Tesco, Brent Cross. 405 00:21:24,120 --> 00:21:25,600 AUDIENCE: Whoo! 406 00:21:25,640 --> 00:21:28,440 Depressing. The trolleys used to throw themselves in the canal. 407 00:21:28,480 --> 00:21:30,360 (LAUGHTER) 408 00:21:34,240 --> 00:21:38,320 So, I got married in America, by my good friend Adele. 409 00:21:38,360 --> 00:21:40,680 AUDIENCE: Whoo! 410 00:21:40,720 --> 00:21:45,080 She married us in Beverley Hills in her garden. How lovely is that? 411 00:21:45,120 --> 00:21:47,120 And as you can imagine, 412 00:21:47,160 --> 00:21:49,880 all the people round that area are Hollywood A-listers. 413 00:21:49,920 --> 00:21:52,720 And they couldn't believe we were getting married in her back garden. 414 00:21:52,760 --> 00:21:55,040 They were like, "Adele, are you crazy? 415 00:21:55,080 --> 00:21:58,440 "The paparazzi are gonna send drones over. 416 00:21:58,480 --> 00:22:02,240 "They're gonna fly over, record it and sell it all over the world." 417 00:22:02,280 --> 00:22:05,480 Me and Paul were so excited, "Oh, my God, they're gonna record it, 418 00:22:05,520 --> 00:22:07,480 "fly over it, sell it all over the world! 419 00:22:07,520 --> 00:22:09,200 "We're gonna be famous!" 420 00:22:09,240 --> 00:22:12,320 I was thinking of hiring out my bald spot for advertising space. 421 00:22:12,360 --> 00:22:14,280 (LAUGHTER) 422 00:22:14,320 --> 00:22:17,320 Do you know how many drones came over? 423 00:22:17,360 --> 00:22:19,520 None. Fucking none. 424 00:22:19,560 --> 00:22:22,200 At one point I was walking down the aisle, I saw a Frisbee. 425 00:22:22,240 --> 00:22:23,960 I was like that. 426 00:22:24,000 --> 00:22:26,000 (LAUGHTER) 427 00:22:28,320 --> 00:22:30,240 So, I didn't know what to wear for the wedding. 428 00:22:30,280 --> 00:22:32,640 So, I rang up my good friend Gok Wan. 429 00:22:32,680 --> 00:22:34,320 AUDIENCE: Whoo! 430 00:22:34,360 --> 00:22:36,880 I said, "Gok, what can I...?" Well, I could have killed him. 431 00:22:36,920 --> 00:22:38,880 He said, "Alan, wear a roll neck." 432 00:22:38,920 --> 00:22:40,960 (LAUGHTER) 433 00:22:41,000 --> 00:22:43,400 Have you seen me in a roll neck? 434 00:22:43,440 --> 00:22:46,160 I look like a fat man stuck in a hot water bottle. 435 00:22:46,200 --> 00:22:48,200 (LAUGHTER) 436 00:22:51,000 --> 00:22:53,560 And, you know, I find 'em suffocating, roll necks. Do you? 437 00:22:53,600 --> 00:22:56,680 I put it over my head, it's horrible. I stuck my head in the wrong hole. 438 00:22:56,720 --> 00:22:58,600 I looked up, I saw this circle of light. 439 00:22:58,640 --> 00:23:00,840 I saw my nan up there with Biggie and Tupac. 440 00:23:00,880 --> 00:23:02,880 (LAUGHTER) 441 00:23:06,120 --> 00:23:09,480 She said, "Come up, Alan, darling." I said, "I'm not ready yet, Nan. 442 00:23:09,520 --> 00:23:11,800 "I'm putting on a roll neck." 443 00:23:11,840 --> 00:23:13,720 (LAUGHTER) 444 00:23:13,760 --> 00:23:15,840 And I know you're not gonna like this, Hackney, 445 00:23:15,880 --> 00:23:18,760 but I didn't invite my family to the wedding. 446 00:23:18,800 --> 00:23:21,520 No! I didn't want 'em there. No! 447 00:23:22,760 --> 00:23:25,840 Whenever the Carrs get together, there's a fight or a ruck. 448 00:23:25,880 --> 00:23:29,000 I didn't want 'em there. OK, alright. 449 00:23:29,040 --> 00:23:32,320 Do you know what happened at the last Carr wedding? Shall I tell you? 450 00:23:32,360 --> 00:23:34,880 There was a fight. Someone punched my uncle in the face. 451 00:23:34,920 --> 00:23:36,720 His glass eye rolled across the floor. 452 00:23:36,760 --> 00:23:38,720 Someone accused him of up-skirting. 453 00:23:38,760 --> 00:23:40,960 (LAUGHTER) 454 00:23:41,000 --> 00:23:43,760 Gabriel took her eye out. They started playing marbles. 455 00:23:43,800 --> 00:23:45,800 (LAUGHTER) 456 00:23:51,640 --> 00:23:53,880 I didn't want to invite my family. 457 00:23:53,920 --> 00:23:55,880 And my friends let me down as well. 458 00:23:55,920 --> 00:23:58,040 Now, we're having a good time, aren't we, Hackney? 459 00:23:58,080 --> 00:23:59,800 AUDIENCE: Yes! 460 00:23:59,840 --> 00:24:01,720 And I don't wanna bring the mood down, 461 00:24:01,760 --> 00:24:04,720 but I'll tell you something. My Nan died before the wedding, yeah? 462 00:24:04,760 --> 00:24:07,800 And I know we live in a TikTok generation, 463 00:24:07,840 --> 00:24:10,960 and I know everyone's, you know, Twitter and Facebook and stuff. 464 00:24:11,000 --> 00:24:12,640 But I'm old school. 465 00:24:12,680 --> 00:24:14,600 When I tell my best friend that my nan's died, 466 00:24:14,640 --> 00:24:16,880 I want her to jump in a car, come and give me a hug. 467 00:24:16,920 --> 00:24:19,040 Do you understand that? AUDIENCE: Yes! 468 00:24:19,080 --> 00:24:21,840 I told my best friend, I said, "My nan died." 469 00:24:21,880 --> 00:24:25,200 She sent me a text with two emojis. 470 00:24:25,240 --> 00:24:28,280 When my nan died, this is my best friend, a text, 471 00:24:28,320 --> 00:24:30,120 two emojis. 472 00:24:30,160 --> 00:24:32,560 A broken heart and a ghost. 473 00:24:32,600 --> 00:24:34,600 (LAUGHTER) 474 00:24:46,440 --> 00:24:48,880 Thank you for your sympathy at this very tough time. 475 00:24:50,240 --> 00:24:52,920 I said, "Are you having a laugh? Are you having a fucking laugh?" 476 00:24:52,960 --> 00:24:56,560 Then she sends me a gif: "Busy, busy, busy." A cat on a computer. 477 00:24:56,600 --> 00:24:58,760 She could have phoned me, couldn't she? 478 00:24:58,800 --> 00:25:01,520 Finding those gifs take time, don't they? 479 00:25:01,560 --> 00:25:04,720 I once missed a train once cos I was trying to find a gif 480 00:25:04,760 --> 00:25:06,360 of a man getting on a train. 481 00:25:06,400 --> 00:25:08,320 (LAUGHTER) 482 00:25:08,360 --> 00:25:10,560 I've had it with my friends. 483 00:25:10,600 --> 00:25:13,240 My friend Scally Karen. Do you remember my friend, Scally Karen? 484 00:25:13,280 --> 00:25:15,000 AUDIENCE: Yes. Listen to this, Hackney. 485 00:25:15,040 --> 00:25:17,200 She comes round the house. "Can I use your printer?" 486 00:25:17,240 --> 00:25:19,560 I said, "Of course you can, Scally Karen." 487 00:25:19,600 --> 00:25:20,880 (LAUGHTER) 488 00:25:20,920 --> 00:25:22,760 She used the colour ink. 489 00:25:22,800 --> 00:25:25,000 AUDIENCE: Ooh! 490 00:25:25,040 --> 00:25:28,240 You don't use the colour ink round someone else's house, do you? 491 00:25:28,280 --> 00:25:30,640 It's always black and white, innit? 492 00:25:30,680 --> 00:25:32,760 And it was an EasyJet boarding pass. 493 00:25:32,800 --> 00:25:35,000 You fucking know that top bit's orange. 494 00:25:35,040 --> 00:25:37,040 (LAUGHTER) 495 00:25:39,000 --> 00:25:40,960 Why do you think there's a pack of felt-tip pens 496 00:25:41,000 --> 00:25:43,440 attached to the top of the printer? Fucking colour it in. 497 00:25:43,480 --> 00:25:45,360 (LAUGHTER) 498 00:25:45,400 --> 00:25:48,640 Save me money. That printer ink's expensive, innit? 499 00:25:48,680 --> 00:25:52,120 Why should I go in the jungle, so she can have a fucking multicoloured boarding pass? 500 00:25:52,160 --> 00:25:54,400 (LAUGHTER) 501 00:25:55,880 --> 00:25:58,320 You'd love to see me in the jungle, wouldn't you, Hackney? 502 00:25:58,360 --> 00:25:59,640 AUDIENCE: Yes! 503 00:26:01,280 --> 00:26:04,280 You'd love to see me eat crocodile cock, wouldn't you? 504 00:26:04,320 --> 00:26:05,680 AUDIENCE: Yeah! 505 00:26:05,720 --> 00:26:09,480 I am not going on that show. Never. Never. Do you know what? 506 00:26:09,520 --> 00:26:11,920 I'd rather go on Celebrity Naked Attraction. 507 00:26:11,960 --> 00:26:13,960 (CHEERING) 508 00:26:15,640 --> 00:26:19,240 Don't mention that show. Fucking Naked Attraction. Honestly. 509 00:26:19,280 --> 00:26:20,840 Ugh, it's grim. Ain't it grim? 510 00:26:20,880 --> 00:26:23,520 Even puts me off cock. (GAGS) 511 00:26:23,560 --> 00:26:25,560 (LAUGHTER) 512 00:26:32,320 --> 00:26:34,280 (GAGS) 513 00:26:34,320 --> 00:26:36,480 (LAUGHTER) 514 00:26:37,360 --> 00:26:39,200 Did you watch the last series? 515 00:26:39,240 --> 00:26:42,520 That man's knob, it was like an Allen key, did you see it? 516 00:26:42,560 --> 00:26:44,080 (LAUGHTER) 517 00:26:44,120 --> 00:26:46,880 It was like an Allen key, honestly. It followed you round the room. 518 00:26:46,920 --> 00:26:49,400 It was like an Allen key with a bend in it. Honestly. 519 00:26:49,440 --> 00:26:52,320 (LAUGHTER) 520 00:26:52,360 --> 00:26:55,120 You didn't know whether to play with it or get it tighten your futon. 521 00:26:55,160 --> 00:26:57,120 Honestly. 522 00:26:57,160 --> 00:26:59,160 (LAUGHTER) 523 00:27:09,120 --> 00:27:12,680 Cos I nearly got cancelled. I think I sort of got cancelled last year. 524 00:27:12,720 --> 00:27:14,440 I don't know if you read it. I turned up 525 00:27:14,480 --> 00:27:19,720 to this very fashionable charity event at the Royal Albert Hall. 526 00:27:19,760 --> 00:27:21,320 AUDIENCE: Ooh! 527 00:27:21,360 --> 00:27:23,120 Idris Elba was there. 528 00:27:23,160 --> 00:27:26,240 Tom Hardy, Channing Tatum, Bradley Cooper. 529 00:27:27,280 --> 00:27:30,440 Basically, I was getting an erection for charity. 530 00:27:30,480 --> 00:27:32,440 (LAUGHTER) 531 00:27:32,480 --> 00:27:36,120 And this woman came up to me, started talking about global warming. 532 00:27:36,160 --> 00:27:38,520 She went, "Will you wear this badge?" I popped the badge on, 533 00:27:38,560 --> 00:27:40,440 I went on stage, I got photographed. 534 00:27:40,480 --> 00:27:42,920 It was an Extinction Rebellion badge. 535 00:27:44,120 --> 00:27:45,800 I was called Tory scum, 536 00:27:45,840 --> 00:27:48,600 loonie leftie, soap dodger. 537 00:27:48,640 --> 00:27:52,920 My mum rings up, "Alan, Alan, it says in the paper you're an anarchist. 538 00:27:52,960 --> 00:27:56,800 "You're wearing a badge!" I said, "Mum, when I worked at Tesco I wore a badge, 'Happy To Help.' 539 00:27:56,840 --> 00:27:58,960 "I wasn't and I didn't." 540 00:27:59,000 --> 00:28:01,560 (LAUGHTER) 541 00:28:03,280 --> 00:28:05,040 It's a bloody badge. 542 00:28:05,080 --> 00:28:06,760 And I'm trying my best. 543 00:28:06,800 --> 00:28:09,400 I was the first person to get an electric car in my street. 544 00:28:09,440 --> 00:28:11,520 I got myself an electric car. 545 00:28:11,560 --> 00:28:13,280 Anyone here got electric car? 546 00:28:13,320 --> 00:28:16,400 97 miles range. 547 00:28:16,440 --> 00:28:18,080 That's what I got. 548 00:28:18,120 --> 00:28:22,760 Honestly, it was so shit, I daren't flash the lights or anything. 549 00:28:22,800 --> 00:28:24,320 (LAUGHTER) 550 00:28:24,360 --> 00:28:27,560 It's taken the fun out of dogging, I can tell you that for nothing. 551 00:28:28,680 --> 00:28:31,520 I've had to go old school and just wave a saveloy out the window. 552 00:28:31,560 --> 00:28:33,320 Come and get it, boys! 553 00:28:34,840 --> 00:28:36,720 Come and get it, boys! 554 00:28:36,760 --> 00:28:38,280 (LAUGHTER) 555 00:28:38,320 --> 00:28:40,040 The car broke down. 556 00:28:40,080 --> 00:28:43,320 I rang up the garage. The man said, "Oh, well, 557 00:28:43,360 --> 00:28:45,600 "you have been driving it at night." 558 00:28:45,640 --> 00:28:49,320 I was like, "Sorry, yeah, the two tea lights I'd Sellotaped to the bonnet 559 00:28:49,360 --> 00:28:52,440 "blew out as I went round the corner." 560 00:28:52,480 --> 00:28:54,480 (LAUGHTER) 561 00:28:57,560 --> 00:29:01,160 Extinction Rebellion, they want us to live in a world without planes. 562 00:29:01,200 --> 00:29:02,800 I mean, please. 563 00:29:02,840 --> 00:29:05,720 Red Arrows are gonna look shit, ain't they? 564 00:29:05,760 --> 00:29:08,680 12 grown men with ponytails running round a field. 565 00:29:08,720 --> 00:29:10,720 (LAUGHTER) 566 00:29:12,760 --> 00:29:14,720 Coloured smoke coming out their arse. 567 00:29:14,760 --> 00:29:16,760 (LAUGHTER) 568 00:29:18,640 --> 00:29:20,760 AUDIENCE MEMBER: Whoo! Thank you. 569 00:29:20,800 --> 00:29:23,880 Listen, I need to bloody fly cos of my work. 570 00:29:23,920 --> 00:29:26,000 I do the Italian job with Amanda Holden. 571 00:29:26,040 --> 00:29:27,920 I've talked about that. (CHEERING) 572 00:29:27,960 --> 00:29:29,800 Did you see A League of Their Own? 573 00:29:29,840 --> 00:29:31,880 I do those road trips. 574 00:29:31,920 --> 00:29:34,720 I also do Ru Paul's Drag Race. Do you watch that? 575 00:29:34,760 --> 00:29:37,560 AUDIENCE: Whoo! 576 00:29:37,600 --> 00:29:39,280 If you've seen my stand-up before, 577 00:29:39,320 --> 00:29:42,120 you know me and my dad often haven't seen eye to eye, yeah? 578 00:29:42,160 --> 00:29:45,000 But now he's got older, he's my biggest fan 579 00:29:45,040 --> 00:29:46,760 and he watches everything. 580 00:29:46,800 --> 00:29:48,920 Oh, it's so sweet. No, it is really sweet. 581 00:29:48,960 --> 00:29:51,080 My mum rang up, she was killing herself laughing. 582 00:29:51,120 --> 00:29:52,840 He came in the kitchen and went, 583 00:29:52,880 --> 00:29:56,720 "I'm gonna watch that Ru Paul's Drag Race that Alan's on." 584 00:29:57,840 --> 00:30:01,440 "I'm gonna support him. I'm gonna watch Ru Paul's Drag Race." 585 00:30:01,480 --> 00:30:04,760 She said he went out, he came back in five minutes later 586 00:30:04,800 --> 00:30:07,640 white as a sheet, channelling the Churchill dog. 587 00:30:07,680 --> 00:30:10,040 "Oh, no, no, no." 588 00:30:10,080 --> 00:30:12,040 (LAUGHTER) 589 00:30:14,160 --> 00:30:17,640 "Oh, no, no, no, no. 590 00:30:17,680 --> 00:30:20,400 "There's a man wearing leggings. No way, no, no, no. 591 00:30:20,440 --> 00:30:22,640 "Not this thing. No." 592 00:30:24,440 --> 00:30:27,200 So, let's get back to my wedding. As a surprise... 593 00:30:27,240 --> 00:30:31,040 Listen, no, I'm getting back to my wedding. As a surprise, 594 00:30:31,080 --> 00:30:35,280 Adele flew us to Vegas to see Celine Dion perform at Caesar's Palace. 595 00:30:35,320 --> 00:30:37,720 AUDIENCE: Whoo! How amazing is that? 596 00:30:37,760 --> 00:30:40,600 Oh, my God, oh my God. So excited. 597 00:30:40,640 --> 00:30:42,760 We get there, and I was a bit pissed off 598 00:30:42,800 --> 00:30:44,520 because you know when you eat 599 00:30:44,560 --> 00:30:46,840 and drink all day on your wedding day, and all that. 600 00:30:46,880 --> 00:30:49,280 My suit was a bit tight, and I was a bit pissed off 601 00:30:49,320 --> 00:30:53,000 because in the run-up to the wedding I'd cut out sugar, fat, alcohol. 602 00:30:53,040 --> 00:30:55,560 I even cut the yellow bits out of Frazzles. 603 00:30:55,600 --> 00:30:57,600 (LAUGHTER) 604 00:31:01,840 --> 00:31:04,120 So I needed to get out of this suit. 605 00:31:04,160 --> 00:31:08,280 Like a mirage, I see the Celine Dion merchandise stall. 606 00:31:08,320 --> 00:31:10,600 Oh, my god. So I run over there. I get my suit off. 607 00:31:10,640 --> 00:31:14,120 I get my Celine Dion leggings, Celine Dion t-shirt, Celine Dion hoodie. 608 00:31:14,160 --> 00:31:16,560 Oh. (LAUGHTER) 609 00:31:16,600 --> 00:31:18,800 And my Celine Dion cap. 610 00:31:18,840 --> 00:31:21,840 I look shit. (LAUGHTER) 611 00:31:21,880 --> 00:31:24,160 So, we're walking along, Adele's got the tickets. 612 00:31:24,200 --> 00:31:25,960 She's, like, "Come on, boys, come on." 613 00:31:26,000 --> 00:31:28,000 614 00:31:29,600 --> 00:31:31,600 (LAUGHTER) 615 00:31:33,600 --> 00:31:37,120 And instead of going left, she goes right through these double doors. 616 00:31:37,160 --> 00:31:40,360 We go in there, bang, the doors slam behind us. 617 00:31:40,400 --> 00:31:45,760 Four feet away, slowly rotating on a Lazy Susan is Celine Dion herself. 618 00:31:45,800 --> 00:31:48,640 AUDIENCE: Whoo! 619 00:31:49,560 --> 00:31:51,840 (BADLY MIMICS CELINE DION): "Congratulations, Paul. 620 00:31:51,880 --> 00:31:54,600 "I believe congratulations are in order." 621 00:31:54,640 --> 00:31:56,880 (LAUGHTER) 622 00:31:56,920 --> 00:31:59,400 "Congratulations Alan and Paul. Welcome to Vegas." 623 00:31:59,440 --> 00:32:01,440 (LAUGHTER) 624 00:32:01,480 --> 00:32:04,320 Didn't know she was Chinese, did you? No! Listen, no! 625 00:32:04,360 --> 00:32:06,160 No! 626 00:32:06,200 --> 00:32:07,760 She's very nasal. 627 00:32:07,800 --> 00:32:10,240 Very nasal. Lovely woman, very nasal. 628 00:32:11,280 --> 00:32:12,960 And I know she's not well at the minute, 629 00:32:13,000 --> 00:32:14,800 so should we send her some love? 630 00:32:14,840 --> 00:32:16,600 AUDIENCE: Yeah! 631 00:32:16,640 --> 00:32:20,120 I am the biggest Celine Dion fan, honestly. 632 00:32:20,160 --> 00:32:25,040 Can you imagine? I'm there, Adele, Celine Dion and me. Three icons. 633 00:32:25,080 --> 00:32:26,800 (LAUGHTER) 634 00:32:26,840 --> 00:32:28,720 (AUDIENCE APPLAUDS) 635 00:32:28,760 --> 00:32:31,320 Oh, shut up, shut up, you are taking the fucking piss. 636 00:32:31,360 --> 00:32:33,360 Now, you shut up now. 637 00:32:34,400 --> 00:32:36,880 I don't know what you're like when you're nervous 638 00:32:36,920 --> 00:32:39,920 or when you meet someone who, like, you absolutely adore. 639 00:32:39,960 --> 00:32:43,720 I have this weird thing where I start copying people's accents. 640 00:32:44,880 --> 00:32:46,880 Well, you'll know where this is going, 641 00:32:46,920 --> 00:32:48,960 but it didn't make it any less embarrassing. 642 00:32:49,000 --> 00:32:51,080 Honestly. I was there. 643 00:32:51,120 --> 00:32:55,160 (NASALLY): She says, "Oh, who asked who out? 644 00:32:55,200 --> 00:32:57,160 "Paul, did you ask Alan? 645 00:32:57,200 --> 00:33:00,360 "Or, Alan, did you ask Paul?" 646 00:33:00,400 --> 00:33:02,120 (LAUGHTER) 647 00:33:02,160 --> 00:33:04,520 (NASALLY): I said, "I was me, Celine." 648 00:33:04,560 --> 00:33:06,560 (LAUGHTER) 649 00:33:11,800 --> 00:33:15,000 And I don't know if you've ever seen Celine Dion perform on stage. 650 00:33:15,040 --> 00:33:17,160 Have you ever seen her? 651 00:33:17,200 --> 00:33:20,640 and you know how theatrical with the hand gestures she is on stage? 652 00:33:20,680 --> 00:33:23,760 She's like that in real life. Honestly, you would not understand. 653 00:33:23,800 --> 00:33:25,880 Honestly. She's like that in real life. 654 00:33:25,920 --> 00:33:28,840 (NASALLY): "So, seeing other shows when you're in Vegas?" 655 00:33:28,880 --> 00:33:31,640 (LAUGHTER) 656 00:33:36,720 --> 00:33:39,240 (NASALLY): "Weather warm enough for you here in Vegas?" 657 00:33:39,280 --> 00:33:41,280 (LAUGHTER) 658 00:33:48,160 --> 00:33:52,120 At one point it looked like she was pulling apart a very rusty deckchair. 659 00:33:52,160 --> 00:33:54,160 (LAUGHTER) 660 00:33:58,880 --> 00:34:03,000 Then she saw me top to toe in my Celine Dion merchandise. 661 00:34:03,040 --> 00:34:04,840 (LAUGHTER) 662 00:34:04,880 --> 00:34:06,719 (NASALL): "Good for you. 663 00:34:06,760 --> 00:34:10,040 "Are you enjoying your day? 664 00:34:10,080 --> 00:34:12,159 "Good for you." 665 00:34:13,480 --> 00:34:16,080 Well, she thinks I'm fucking simple. She thinks I'm simple. 666 00:34:16,120 --> 00:34:18,920 (LAUGHTER) 667 00:34:18,960 --> 00:34:20,920 (NASALLY): "Good for you." 668 00:34:20,960 --> 00:34:22,960 (LAUGHTER) 669 00:34:31,600 --> 00:34:34,040 Then we honeymooned in Mexico. 670 00:34:34,080 --> 00:34:35,679 AUDIENCE: Ooh! 671 00:34:35,719 --> 00:34:37,920 Didn't get much sleep on the honeymoon night. 672 00:34:37,960 --> 00:34:39,239 AUDIENCE: Ooh! 673 00:34:39,280 --> 00:34:41,520 That's Mexican food for you. Oh, don't. 674 00:34:41,560 --> 00:34:43,760 It was coming out both ends, honestly. 675 00:34:43,800 --> 00:34:46,239 It was like a chocolate fountain. 676 00:34:46,280 --> 00:34:48,080 No-one wants to see the outline 677 00:34:48,120 --> 00:34:50,440 of a turd on a memory foam mattress, do they? 678 00:34:50,480 --> 00:34:52,480 (LAUGHTER) 679 00:34:56,720 --> 00:35:00,040 No, and then my bloating hadn't gone down, my IBS flared up. 680 00:35:00,080 --> 00:35:02,680 I was walking along the street, I could see the street children 681 00:35:02,720 --> 00:35:05,040 following me with sticks, thinking I was a pinata. 682 00:35:05,080 --> 00:35:07,080 (LAUGHTER) 683 00:35:10,760 --> 00:35:13,960 Don't get me started on those street kids, the little shits. 684 00:35:14,000 --> 00:35:17,560 The little shits. They tell you, when you go to these street villages, 685 00:35:17,600 --> 00:35:19,600 "Don't give them money! 686 00:35:19,640 --> 00:35:24,320 "Don't give them money. Give them sweeties, crayons, pens, papers. 687 00:35:24,360 --> 00:35:26,800 "They don't want money." Have you tried that in real life? 688 00:35:26,840 --> 00:35:28,760 Have you tried that? 689 00:35:28,800 --> 00:35:30,520 You get out the car, you go over there. 690 00:35:30,560 --> 00:35:33,720 "Peso, peso. Make it rain, fat boy, make it rain." 691 00:35:33,760 --> 00:35:36,200 (NASALLY): "I wanna see dollar. Gimme dollar. 692 00:35:36,240 --> 00:35:37,960 "Gimme dollar. Gimme dollar." 693 00:35:38,000 --> 00:35:40,760 Celine? Celine, she'd followed us. 694 00:35:40,800 --> 00:35:43,520 (LAUGHTER) 695 00:35:43,560 --> 00:35:45,680 "Gimme dollar." 696 00:35:45,720 --> 00:35:47,520 (LAUGHTER) 697 00:35:47,560 --> 00:35:49,680 I gave the girl a felt-tip pen. 698 00:35:49,720 --> 00:35:51,760 She ripped the top off, held it to my throat. 699 00:35:51,800 --> 00:35:53,920 (LAUGHTER) 700 00:35:53,960 --> 00:35:55,760 She was gonna colour in my turkey neck. 701 00:35:56,840 --> 00:35:59,840 I said, "Don't use all that ink, I've got a boarding pass at home." 702 00:35:59,880 --> 00:36:01,880 (LAUGHTER) 703 00:36:03,840 --> 00:36:06,440 And then they'll tell you to buy all the local knick-knacks 704 00:36:06,480 --> 00:36:09,280 and handicrafts. Don't bother. They take the piss out of you, yeah? 705 00:36:09,320 --> 00:36:11,440 I bought a pair of espadrilles, yeah? 706 00:36:11,480 --> 00:36:13,800 Got 'em home, two pita bread. 707 00:36:13,840 --> 00:36:15,200 (LAUGHTER) 708 00:36:16,240 --> 00:36:18,680 They think you're thick. They think you're thick. 709 00:36:20,280 --> 00:36:22,520 But if you ever go to Mexico, you've gotta go. 710 00:36:22,560 --> 00:36:24,480 Honestly, you've got to go. 711 00:36:24,520 --> 00:36:26,160 The people are great, 712 00:36:26,200 --> 00:36:28,680 the food's delicious, there's so much to see and do. 713 00:36:28,720 --> 00:36:33,160 When I was there, I took Paul to see the lost Inca temple of Chichen Itza, 714 00:36:33,200 --> 00:36:36,400 where Whitney Houston filmed the I Will Always Love You video. 715 00:36:36,440 --> 00:36:38,440 (LAUGHTER) 716 00:36:38,480 --> 00:36:40,480 (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) 717 00:36:43,400 --> 00:36:45,800 It's not as snowy as you remember. 718 00:36:45,840 --> 00:36:47,320 (LAUGHTER) 719 00:36:49,640 --> 00:36:52,040 Let me have some water. 720 00:36:52,080 --> 00:36:55,200 Fuck me, it's hot. Is everyone too hot? How's everyone doing? 721 00:36:55,240 --> 00:36:58,000 AUDIENCE: Yes! Oh, my God, honestly. 722 00:36:58,040 --> 00:37:00,760 I don't think if you're this fat, you should be able to work. I don't. 723 00:37:00,800 --> 00:37:02,840 I really think... I've got rights. 724 00:37:02,880 --> 00:37:04,880 (LAUGHTER) 725 00:37:04,920 --> 00:37:06,840 Oh, God. Do I look like shit? 726 00:37:06,880 --> 00:37:09,280 Honestly, do I need a little tuck? 727 00:37:09,320 --> 00:37:11,640 AUDIENCE: No! AUDIENCE MEMBER: You're smashing it. 728 00:37:11,680 --> 00:37:13,560 Smashing it. I mean, look. 729 00:37:13,600 --> 00:37:15,600 (LAUGHTER) 730 00:37:16,720 --> 00:37:18,720 Has that started looking like a Brazilian? 731 00:37:18,760 --> 00:37:20,760 (LAUGHTER) 732 00:37:22,240 --> 00:37:25,320 I didn't know what to call myself when I got married 733 00:37:25,360 --> 00:37:27,320 because partner's a bit formal, innit? 734 00:37:28,240 --> 00:37:30,760 Husband. I can't with this voice, I can't. 735 00:37:30,800 --> 00:37:32,120 (LAUGHTER) 736 00:37:32,160 --> 00:37:35,120 I rang up the call centre, I said, "I'm just gonna put my husband on." 737 00:37:35,160 --> 00:37:37,480 I could hear 'em going, "Ah, I knew it was an old woman." 738 00:37:37,520 --> 00:37:39,520 (LAUGHTER) 739 00:37:41,400 --> 00:37:44,680 And he's very romantic, Paul. He likes sharing plates. 740 00:37:44,720 --> 00:37:46,360 You'd go to a restaurant. 741 00:37:46,400 --> 00:37:48,560 "Let's have a sharing plate." I'm, like, "What?" 742 00:37:49,520 --> 00:37:51,560 "You share my bed, you share my life. 743 00:37:51,600 --> 00:37:53,880 "Now I've gotta share my fucking food with you." 744 00:37:53,920 --> 00:37:56,400 (LAUGHTER) 745 00:37:56,440 --> 00:37:59,880 I dunno. Just eat it and regurgitate it back into your mouth. 746 00:37:59,920 --> 00:38:02,240 Like a gannet. AUDIENCE: Eww! 747 00:38:02,280 --> 00:38:06,640 Even on the honeymoon, couples' massage, in the same room. 748 00:38:06,680 --> 00:38:09,120 Ugh. If I wanna hear him grunting and groaning, 749 00:38:09,160 --> 00:38:12,680 I'd steal a piece of his Whitney Houston jigsaw. 750 00:38:12,720 --> 00:38:15,480 And these couples' massage, they're not even sexy. 751 00:38:15,520 --> 00:38:18,280 They cover you in all this oil, so you smell like a Glade Plug-In. 752 00:38:18,320 --> 00:38:19,760 (LAUGHTER) 753 00:38:19,800 --> 00:38:23,160 You have to wear mesh pants. It looks like your knob's about to rob a bank. 754 00:38:23,200 --> 00:38:24,400 (LAUGHTER) 755 00:38:32,960 --> 00:38:36,440 Then halfway through the marriage, I found out he's an alcoholic. 756 00:38:36,480 --> 00:38:38,720 I'm not judging him. I drink too much. 757 00:38:38,760 --> 00:38:41,680 We all drink a bit too much, don't we?AUDIENCE: Yes! 758 00:38:41,720 --> 00:38:44,280 I've had one of those summers, you know, I've sat there, 759 00:38:44,320 --> 00:38:46,200 rose, after rose. 760 00:38:46,240 --> 00:38:49,200 Slumped on the settee, watching the telly. You done that? 761 00:38:49,240 --> 00:38:51,720 Drinking rose all day, watching that telly. 762 00:38:51,760 --> 00:38:54,160 You know when that message comes up on the screen 763 00:38:54,200 --> 00:38:56,280 when the telly thinks you're dead? 764 00:38:56,320 --> 00:38:58,240 (LAUGHTER) 765 00:38:58,280 --> 00:39:01,480 "Press any button on the remote." Ha ha ha! 766 00:39:01,520 --> 00:39:03,520 (LAUGHTER) 767 00:39:04,920 --> 00:39:07,680 This is the eighth episode of Homes Under the Hammer. 768 00:39:07,720 --> 00:39:10,080 Blink if you're in pain. 769 00:39:13,360 --> 00:39:16,640 Have you ever fucking passed out with a drink and left the heating on? 770 00:39:16,680 --> 00:39:18,520 Oh. You wake up in the morning 771 00:39:18,560 --> 00:39:20,800 and you think someone's come in and burgled your gums. 772 00:39:20,840 --> 00:39:22,840 (LAUGHTER) 773 00:39:22,880 --> 00:39:25,440 (TALKS JIBBERISH) 774 00:39:25,480 --> 00:39:27,480 (LAUGHTER) 775 00:39:28,840 --> 00:39:31,280 (TALKS GIBBERISH) 776 00:39:31,320 --> 00:39:34,600 (LAUGHTER) 777 00:39:34,640 --> 00:39:37,240 But, obviously, I like a drink, 778 00:39:37,280 --> 00:39:39,200 and when you live with someone with alcoholism, 779 00:39:39,240 --> 00:39:42,440 you realise you have different relationships with different drink. 780 00:39:42,480 --> 00:39:45,200 For me, beer and lager is my friendly uncle, 781 00:39:45,240 --> 00:39:49,080 tequila's my slutty aunt. Tequila's my slutty aunt. 782 00:39:49,120 --> 00:39:51,600 Know what I mean? You have three lagers, your uncle turns up. 783 00:39:51,640 --> 00:39:53,240 "Come on, Alan, let's go home, come on. 784 00:39:53,280 --> 00:39:56,760 "Watch a bit of a Naked Attraction. Come on, come on, go home, go home." 785 00:39:56,800 --> 00:39:59,800 You have three tequilas, your slutty aunt turns up. 786 00:39:59,840 --> 00:40:02,800 (WHISPERS): "Alan, Alan. Psst, psst, Alan." 787 00:40:02,840 --> 00:40:05,440 (LAUGHTER) 788 00:40:05,480 --> 00:40:07,520 "Get your cock out, it's a christening." 789 00:40:07,560 --> 00:40:09,840 (LAUGHTER) 790 00:40:13,480 --> 00:40:16,600 I nearly died from alcohol. I did. Did you know that? 791 00:40:16,640 --> 00:40:18,600 I nearly died. Yes. 792 00:40:18,640 --> 00:40:21,640 When I was 18, I drank a whole bottle of vodka. 793 00:40:21,680 --> 00:40:23,800 Passed out wearing a fur-lined hoodie, 794 00:40:23,840 --> 00:40:26,640 and a Jack Russell sat on my face thinking it was a dog box. 795 00:40:26,680 --> 00:40:29,320 (LAUGHTER) 796 00:40:29,360 --> 00:40:32,080 Covered all my air holes. Honestly, I could have been dead. 797 00:40:32,120 --> 00:40:34,160 You could be watching a hologram. 798 00:40:34,200 --> 00:40:36,200 (LAUGHTER) 799 00:40:40,760 --> 00:40:42,920 But even though we're divorced, 800 00:40:42,960 --> 00:40:44,960 I don't hate my ex. 801 00:40:45,000 --> 00:40:47,480 Hatred takes a lot of energy, doesn't it? 802 00:40:47,520 --> 00:40:50,840 AUDIENCE: Yes! Yeah. I'm not going there. 803 00:40:50,880 --> 00:40:53,960 And do you know what he does for a living, my ex? He's a farmer. 804 00:40:54,000 --> 00:40:56,960 And what he does, he takes animals that are maimed and injured 805 00:40:57,000 --> 00:40:58,880 on the way to the abattoir, he rescues them, 806 00:40:58,920 --> 00:41:00,680 then he brings them to his farm. 807 00:41:01,720 --> 00:41:04,840 We rescued a dog from the dog-meat trade in Korea. 808 00:41:04,880 --> 00:41:06,440 Did you know about that? 809 00:41:06,480 --> 00:41:09,120 Rescued a dog. Oh my God, she's absolutely gorgeous. 810 00:41:09,160 --> 00:41:10,960 Check her out on my Instagram posts. 811 00:41:11,000 --> 00:41:14,160 Honestly, she is so cute and cuddly. 812 00:41:14,200 --> 00:41:16,000 Honestly, she's that small. Oh. 813 00:41:16,040 --> 00:41:19,200 You'd have to have chips with her. 814 00:41:19,240 --> 00:41:20,680 (LAUGHTER) 815 00:41:20,720 --> 00:41:22,680 Or garlic bread, or, you know, something. 816 00:41:24,120 --> 00:41:26,480 Less of a pet, more of an amuse bouche. 817 00:41:28,600 --> 00:41:30,840 Oh, I didn't rescue her from Korea. 818 00:41:30,880 --> 00:41:34,280 A fantastic London dog charity rescued her from Korea. 819 00:41:34,320 --> 00:41:36,240 People genuinely thought 820 00:41:36,280 --> 00:41:38,880 I'd been lowered into Korea like Jason Statham. 821 00:41:38,920 --> 00:41:40,880 "Get the fucking dog!" 822 00:41:40,920 --> 00:41:42,760 (LAUGHTER) 823 00:41:42,800 --> 00:41:44,600 "Where's the fucking dog?" 824 00:41:44,640 --> 00:41:46,480 (LAUGHTER) 825 00:41:48,640 --> 00:41:51,960 "Where's the dog?" "Give me the fucking dog!" 826 00:41:52,000 --> 00:41:54,680 (LAUGHTER) 827 00:41:54,720 --> 00:41:58,080 It just turned up. None of that happened. 828 00:41:59,200 --> 00:42:03,800 So, I spent lockdown on a farm with my now ex. It was very weird. 829 00:42:03,840 --> 00:42:07,160 I don't know what your lockdown was like, and I hate talking about Covid 830 00:42:07,200 --> 00:42:10,320 cos it was just such a fucking bore, weren't it? 831 00:42:10,360 --> 00:42:13,760 (PANTS) But... Oh, my God, how unfit am I? 832 00:42:13,800 --> 00:42:15,040 (LAUGHTER) 833 00:42:15,080 --> 00:42:17,440 Acting like Jason Statham. 834 00:42:17,480 --> 00:42:19,400 Now I can't talk properly. 835 00:42:19,440 --> 00:42:21,320 (LAUGHTER) 836 00:42:22,800 --> 00:42:26,360 No, cos lockdown was weird for me. I started regressing. 837 00:42:26,400 --> 00:42:30,560 I started doing everything I used to do as a 13-year-old. 838 00:42:30,600 --> 00:42:34,760 Board games, bird watching, jigsaws, 839 00:42:34,800 --> 00:42:38,240 masturbating furiously, dressing up as Wonder Woman. 840 00:42:38,280 --> 00:42:39,960 (LAUGHTER) 841 00:42:40,000 --> 00:42:42,360 Sometimes I did all five and clapped for carers. 842 00:42:42,400 --> 00:42:44,880 (LAUGHTER) 843 00:42:47,360 --> 00:42:51,680 Oh, we rescued a load of animals: cows, chickens, alpacas. 844 00:42:51,720 --> 00:42:55,560 Alpacas? You think you like alpacas. 845 00:42:55,600 --> 00:42:57,640 They are very snooty. Very snooty. 846 00:42:57,680 --> 00:43:01,080 You go into the field and you've got no food, they're like this. 847 00:43:01,120 --> 00:43:03,120 (SCOFFS) 848 00:43:03,160 --> 00:43:06,040 (LAUGHTER) 849 00:43:06,080 --> 00:43:07,600 Come back with a bucket of feed, 850 00:43:07,640 --> 00:43:09,920 they're like Paul Burrell when someone mentions Diana. 851 00:43:09,960 --> 00:43:11,960 (LAUGHTER) 852 00:43:12,000 --> 00:43:14,000 (AUDIENCE APPLAUDS) 853 00:43:18,080 --> 00:43:20,000 If you like alpacas, 854 00:43:20,040 --> 00:43:22,280 check out this video that went viral during lockdown. 855 00:43:22,320 --> 00:43:25,640 They sent a load of alpacas to an old people's home to cheer 'em up. 856 00:43:25,680 --> 00:43:27,520 Oh, my God, it's piss funny, listen. 857 00:43:28,680 --> 00:43:30,800 All the alpacas are on the lawn outside. 858 00:43:30,840 --> 00:43:33,160 There's two old women looking out the window. 859 00:43:33,200 --> 00:43:35,200 (LAUGHTER) 860 00:43:38,440 --> 00:43:40,680 The alpaca's, like, "Is she taking the piss?" 861 00:43:40,720 --> 00:43:43,560 (LAUGHTER) 862 00:43:45,000 --> 00:43:47,280 Why would you send a load of alpacas 863 00:43:47,320 --> 00:43:49,400 to an old people's home to cheer 'em up? 864 00:43:49,440 --> 00:43:51,600 I know whey they use 'em cos they're goofy-looking 865 00:43:51,640 --> 00:43:53,400 and, you know, funny-looking. 866 00:43:53,440 --> 00:43:55,320 You don't want to be 95 at death's door, 867 00:43:55,360 --> 00:43:57,440 and there's a vulture on your windowsill. 868 00:43:58,920 --> 00:44:01,440 "Wants to eat you, Ethel, look. 869 00:44:01,480 --> 00:44:03,040 "He's licking his lips, look." 870 00:44:04,560 --> 00:44:06,400 But, then, so... 871 00:44:06,440 --> 00:44:09,280 the reason we got divorced, I can talk about this now, 872 00:44:09,320 --> 00:44:11,520 he loved this horse more than me. 873 00:44:11,560 --> 00:44:14,080 He had this horse called Jack. Can we talk about Jack? 874 00:44:14,120 --> 00:44:16,200 Do we have any horsey people in? 875 00:44:16,240 --> 00:44:17,480 AUDIENCE MEMBER: Whoo! 876 00:44:17,520 --> 00:44:19,720 I don't get why you would ride a horse. 877 00:44:19,760 --> 00:44:22,560 I don't get why you would get on the back of something... 878 00:44:22,600 --> 00:44:24,600 (LAUGHTER) 879 00:44:24,640 --> 00:44:27,920 ..that is so jittery and twitchy, honestly. 880 00:44:27,960 --> 00:44:30,200 It'd be like getting a piggy-back of Celine Dion. 881 00:44:30,240 --> 00:44:32,240 (LAUGHTER) 882 00:44:35,360 --> 00:44:38,280 I had to do some horse riding on A League of Their Own. 883 00:44:38,320 --> 00:44:41,280 The woman said, "You're gonna love your horse. He's cheeky." 884 00:44:41,320 --> 00:44:43,200 I don't want a horse that's cheeky. 885 00:44:43,240 --> 00:44:48,000 I want a horse that's lethargic, depressed or stoned. 886 00:44:48,040 --> 00:44:50,040 (LAUGHTER) 887 00:44:51,560 --> 00:44:53,480 And we had this weird row, cos he said, 888 00:44:53,520 --> 00:44:55,240 "Can you get Jack some carrots?" 889 00:44:55,280 --> 00:44:58,280 So, I wanted to get into Jack's good books, yeah? 890 00:44:58,320 --> 00:45:01,400 So, I went to MandS, and I got those carrot batons, 891 00:45:01,440 --> 00:45:03,800 you know, the mini carrot batons. 892 00:45:03,840 --> 00:45:06,800 Well, I turned up. Oh, my God, he went mental. 893 00:45:06,840 --> 00:45:08,640 He said, "Are you stupid? 894 00:45:08,680 --> 00:45:11,080 "He needs a bit carrot. He's a big horse. 895 00:45:11,120 --> 00:45:13,200 "Why are you getting him carrot batons?" 896 00:45:13,240 --> 00:45:16,200 And I burst into tears. (LAUGHTER) 897 00:45:16,240 --> 00:45:18,480 I daren't show him the selection of dips. 898 00:45:18,520 --> 00:45:21,520 (LAUGHTER) 899 00:45:28,920 --> 00:45:32,400 And then two weeks before the wedding, Paul's riding Jack. 900 00:45:32,440 --> 00:45:35,080 Jack throws Paul off and he lands on the floor. 901 00:45:35,120 --> 00:45:38,120 I run over there. I said, "Paul, are you alright?" 902 00:45:38,160 --> 00:45:41,000 "Jack got spooked." "Spooked? What by?" 903 00:45:41,040 --> 00:45:44,840 "A tree." "A tree? He lives in a field." 904 00:45:44,880 --> 00:45:47,480 How can you be spooked by a tree? 905 00:45:47,520 --> 00:45:49,840 What's it done? Jumped out dressed as a clown. 906 00:45:49,880 --> 00:45:51,880 "Do you like games?" 907 00:45:51,920 --> 00:45:54,360 (LAUGHTER) 908 00:45:54,400 --> 00:45:56,640 And cos he wouldn't tell the horse off, 909 00:45:56,680 --> 00:46:00,280 we had to have a horse whisperer round the farm. A horse whisperer. 910 00:46:00,320 --> 00:46:04,040 There's a knock on the door. I open it up. I said, "Who are you?" 911 00:46:04,080 --> 00:46:05,680 "Horse whisperer." 912 00:46:05,720 --> 00:46:07,720 (LAUGHTER) 913 00:46:08,600 --> 00:46:10,840 (ODDLY): "Horse whisperer." 914 00:46:12,000 --> 00:46:13,800 "Horse whisperer." 915 00:46:13,840 --> 00:46:15,920 I said, "Have a day off. Come in." 916 00:46:15,960 --> 00:46:18,240 (LAUGHTER) 917 00:46:18,280 --> 00:46:21,400 And he's whispering to Jack in the stable, nuh, nuh, nuh. 918 00:46:21,440 --> 00:46:23,480 I can hear them gossiping, nuh, nuh, nuh, nuh, nuh. 919 00:46:23,520 --> 00:46:25,560 Carrot batons. Nuh, nuh, nuh, nuh, nuh. 920 00:46:26,640 --> 00:46:28,760 And I know this horse is throwing me under the bus. 921 00:46:28,800 --> 00:46:31,800 I can see him showing him on a My Little Pony where I touched him. 922 00:46:31,840 --> 00:46:33,560 Liar! 923 00:46:33,600 --> 00:46:35,600 (LAUGHTER) 924 00:46:37,800 --> 00:46:39,760 And the thing that pissed me off is, 925 00:46:39,800 --> 00:46:43,440 Paul used to name the animals and never tell me. 926 00:46:43,480 --> 00:46:46,480 I'd be sitting in there watching Pointless. 927 00:46:46,520 --> 00:46:48,560 He would run in, "Rihanna's dead!" 928 00:46:48,600 --> 00:46:50,600 (LAUGHTER) 929 00:46:52,640 --> 00:46:54,720 "She's been hit by a tractor." 930 00:46:54,760 --> 00:46:56,640 "Fuckin' tractor?" 931 00:46:57,680 --> 00:47:00,200 "What's she doing, a country and western album?" 932 00:47:00,240 --> 00:47:02,200 "Whitney's stuck on the electric fence." 933 00:47:02,240 --> 00:47:04,480 Hasn't that woman been through enough? 934 00:47:04,520 --> 00:47:07,920 (LAUGHTER) Yeah, she's waving now. 935 00:47:07,960 --> 00:47:09,960 (LAUGHTER) 936 00:47:13,400 --> 00:47:16,680 During lockdown, we stopped... 937 00:47:16,720 --> 00:47:20,240 We stopped naming the animals during lockdown in case we had to eat 'em. 938 00:47:20,280 --> 00:47:22,480 AUDIENCE: Ohh! 939 00:47:22,520 --> 00:47:25,560 Some of the animals got suspicious, honestly. 940 00:47:26,560 --> 00:47:28,520 "Chicken number five, please." 941 00:47:28,560 --> 00:47:29,800 (LAUGHTER) 942 00:47:31,600 --> 00:47:33,880 Where you going, love? What you doing? 943 00:47:33,920 --> 00:47:36,040 I've only got a bit more. You alright, love? 944 00:47:37,240 --> 00:47:39,480 That's alright, mate. Oh, there's another one here. 945 00:47:39,520 --> 00:47:41,520 Oh, my God. 946 00:47:41,560 --> 00:47:44,760 I didn't know I had such a straight audience. "Alright, mate." 947 00:47:44,800 --> 00:47:46,800 (LAUGHTER) 948 00:47:46,840 --> 00:47:49,040 "Apples and pears, apples and pears." 949 00:47:49,080 --> 00:47:53,440 So, listen, I'd love to chat to you, but I've got to work. Yeah. 950 00:47:53,480 --> 00:47:56,280 (LAUGHTER) 951 00:47:56,320 --> 00:47:59,640 You know when you're driving your cab and people press that mute button? 952 00:47:59,680 --> 00:48:01,640 I can't do that now. 953 00:48:01,680 --> 00:48:03,240 (LAUGHTER) 954 00:48:03,280 --> 00:48:05,280 (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) 955 00:48:06,960 --> 00:48:11,160 Listen, let's get out of this sweaty place. Let me get on with this. 956 00:48:11,200 --> 00:48:14,000 I'm just worried you're gonna drink tequila tonight. 957 00:48:14,040 --> 00:48:15,720 Let me tell you a story. 958 00:48:15,760 --> 00:48:21,120 On my last tour, I had an amazing run of shows in Liverpool, and er... 959 00:48:21,160 --> 00:48:23,880 (CHEERING) Yeah, love Liverpool. 960 00:48:23,920 --> 00:48:26,360 And so, instead of going back to the hotel, 961 00:48:26,400 --> 00:48:29,560 I went, "I'm gonna go out partying in one of the best cities in the world." 962 00:48:29,600 --> 00:48:32,000 So, me and my lovely tour manager, we went out 963 00:48:32,040 --> 00:48:35,200 and we drank tequila all night! 964 00:48:35,240 --> 00:48:36,960 (CHEERING) 965 00:48:37,000 --> 00:48:39,000 Well, you might have read in the paper, 966 00:48:39,040 --> 00:48:41,640 he got beaten up and his leg broken, 967 00:48:41,680 --> 00:48:47,320 with me in an inner city Liverpool McDonald's at 4am in the morning. 968 00:48:47,360 --> 00:48:49,440 Can I remember anything? No! 969 00:48:49,480 --> 00:48:52,160 Cos I was drinking. AUDIENCE: Tequila! 970 00:48:52,200 --> 00:48:54,080 Tequila. If I'd had lager, 971 00:48:54,120 --> 00:48:56,600 then my uncle would have turned up. "Come on, get your McFlurry. 972 00:48:56,640 --> 00:48:58,600 "Come on, let's go home, come on." 973 00:48:58,640 --> 00:49:00,840 No, my slutty aunt turned up, didn't she? 974 00:49:02,400 --> 00:49:05,120 (WHISPERS): "Alan, Alan, psst, psst. 975 00:49:07,480 --> 00:49:09,880 "You want filet of fish? Smell my finger." 976 00:49:09,920 --> 00:49:11,920 (LAUGHTER) 977 00:49:11,960 --> 00:49:13,760 (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) 978 00:49:13,800 --> 00:49:15,960 Disgusting. You're disgusting. 979 00:49:16,000 --> 00:49:18,680 You're disgusting. 980 00:49:18,720 --> 00:49:21,280 So, I go to bed, I don't know what's happened. 981 00:49:21,320 --> 00:49:23,360 There's a knock on the door, I open it up, 982 00:49:23,400 --> 00:49:25,080 there's a police woman in my hotel room. 983 00:49:25,120 --> 00:49:29,720 "Hello, Mr Carr, can we talk about your statement from last night?" 984 00:49:29,760 --> 00:49:31,080 (LAUGHTER) 985 00:49:31,120 --> 00:49:32,640 Statement? 986 00:49:32,680 --> 00:49:34,800 Oh, my God, I did a statement. 987 00:49:34,840 --> 00:49:36,120 (LAUGHTER) 988 00:49:36,160 --> 00:49:39,400 I was waiting in the queue for my Chicken McNuggets, 989 00:49:39,440 --> 00:49:43,280 when I saw my tour manager getting beaten up. 990 00:49:43,320 --> 00:49:45,680 I didn't go to help as I was starving. 991 00:49:45,720 --> 00:49:47,720 (LAUGHTER) 992 00:49:52,240 --> 00:49:54,760 And I didn't want to lose my place in the queue. 993 00:49:54,800 --> 00:49:57,120 (LAUGHTER) 994 00:49:57,160 --> 00:50:00,000 And the Pride Of Britain Award goes to... 995 00:50:00,880 --> 00:50:03,880 So he sues McDonald's, rightfully so. 996 00:50:03,920 --> 00:50:07,360 It goes to court, they play the CCTV footage. 997 00:50:07,400 --> 00:50:09,600 Oh, my God. 998 00:50:09,640 --> 00:50:14,000 He's laying on the floor, I'm posting McNuggets into his mouth, like this. 999 00:50:14,040 --> 00:50:16,040 (LAUGHTER) 1000 00:50:17,840 --> 00:50:19,880 And as he's put in the back of the ambulance, 1001 00:50:19,920 --> 00:50:23,040 I'm waving him off like he's been a contestant on Family Fortunes. 1002 00:50:23,080 --> 00:50:25,080 (LAUGHTER) 1003 00:50:31,040 --> 00:50:34,760 And you know when you're so twatted, I started dancing to the siren. 1004 00:50:40,240 --> 00:50:42,480 Please don't drink tequila tonight. Please! 1005 00:50:42,520 --> 00:50:43,920 (CHEERING) 1006 00:50:43,960 --> 00:50:47,560 They say if you drink tequila all night, no hangover. 1007 00:50:47,600 --> 00:50:50,040 Yeah, no hangover, no memory, no teeth, 1008 00:50:50,080 --> 00:50:52,240 no bail, no friends, 1009 00:50:52,280 --> 00:50:54,200 no pulse. Don't do it! 1010 00:50:54,240 --> 00:50:56,240 Thank you, Hackney. Take care! 1011 00:50:56,280 --> 00:50:58,280 Thank you! 1012 00:51:00,520 --> 00:51:02,520 (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) 1013 00:51:24,880 --> 00:51:26,880 (CLUB MUSIC) 1014 00:51:26,920 --> 00:51:29,040 AccessibleCustomerService@sky.uk